Why belonging matters to us all...
Belonging is both a thing you feel and a thing you do. Before we get into it, let's explore what belonging means and why it's essential...
When I first sat to write this series, I tried to explain to friends the importance of belonging. At first, they were cynical. “Why is it so important to belong?” they chimed. I get it. To many of us, the idea of belonging is abstract. The word itself is pretty “meh”; I doubt many of us pause and think about where we truly belong. But as we get into it, I hope to bring to light just how impactful belonging is to our sense of who we are and how it affects how we fare in this world.
Before we get into critical themes, let’s explore the basic premise of why belonging matters. To do so, I thought I would start with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. It’s been almost 40 years since I was first introduced to Maslow. He featured heavily in sociology classes at school, particularly within the weighty Haralambos & Holborn - Sociology Themes & Perspectives. This book has over 400 pages detailing all aspects of society, but Maslow’s triangle is by far the most notable thing I remember. If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, here’s a picture that Google helpfully shared…
As you would expect, essential physiological needs trump enlightenment, but I was always struck that love and belonging were so high on the list. I was even more surprised that it came ahead of esteem and status, given society’s obsession with power, achievement, and attainment.
So, what is belonging, and why is it so important? Some say it’s a survival thing. Back when men were cavemen and women were, well, cavewomen, life was simple - stay with the gang, and you wouldn’t get eaten by a wolf. This need to belong has just as much impact today, but now, the wolves are the people we work with or the social groups we wish to join. It may not be life or death, but social exclusion is as painful as a wolf bite, and although there are no physical scars, feeling like an outsider can be psychologically damaging.
In a grammatical sense, belonging is both a verb and a noun. The “doing” of belonging means actively joining something, for example, a book club, a tennis club, or a church. Mind you, the sheer act of joining something is no guarantee of “feeling” like you belong; this can only come if you feel that you do. And if how you are made to feel is explicitly put into another’s hands, it can be a treacherous business. My view is that true belonging comes when you belong to yourself. It’s not easy to do, but as this series progresses, I will attempt to share my thoughts on how this might be achieved.
I have spent my whole adult life looking to belong. Coming from a background of neglect and abuse, I always felt I wasn’t good enough. I thought fitting in, and belonging were the same thing, so I twisted and turned to contort myself into what I thought people would like me to be, and it was exhausting.
“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you must be to be accepted. Conversely, belonging doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are” Brene Brown.
And who are we? Fundamentally, we are a unique, precious being made up of all our ancestors’ genetics plus everything that has ever happened to us. There is always room for learning and evolving, and as we grow, we can choose to work on more nuanced human elements that shape our character. My view born out of spending a lifetime working out who I am and where I “fit” is that we need to focus not on making others accept us but on how to accept ourselves.
Today, after much searching, I belong everywhere I am. Not because I have the “right” everything but because I enjoy the company of others, trust that they appreciate me too, and I know and like myself. It wasn’t always so. I used to feel very much an outsider. It was partly due to my upbringing and my consequential low self-worth, but also a kind of protection as I thought I had to hide all my secret shame: my lack of education, my poverty growing up, my family, and most damaging of all, my sexuality. But as I have learned, genuinely accepting yourself and committing to “showing up” exactly as you are creates a sense of belonging that isn’t’ easily affected by other peoples’ opinions.
Over the coming weeks, I will get into big buckets of issues surrounding the notion of belonging. I will cover several categories where exclusion threatens, such as education, socioeconomic background, sexuality, race, disability, and gender. Next week, I will start with socioeconomic background, as where you come from can significantly impact how others see you and, more importantly, how you see yourself.
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